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I don't post much but only because  don't have much to post about, but today seems to be an exception. recently I helped my dad take Indiana to the vet for his much needed castration, but as we left for the day I felt odd, I had this great wave of loss and remorse well up inside of m;. along with one name Alphonse.

Leaving Indiana with the vet in Batchley brought back all those feelings I held back when that two tone gut-bucket died to the point where I was fighting to hold back twice as many tears as then, even more irritating than that I just could not explain to that fat twat how I was feeling and why without him glibly dismissing it as me being a guy and feeling guilty over having his (Indiana) nuts off.

This feeling has not gone away because I miss home and Wendy even for all the ultimatums she threw my way and arguements we got into over the stupidest of reasons. I still love her even through the bravado I throw up as a rather poor maskarovka. I also love and miss the guinea pigs and rat, hell just thinking of Alphonse and Hope I have to stop to wipe the tears from my eyes just to continue typing

Looking back I ask is there more I could have done in the relationship? Yes I'm sure there was but I don't know what that was entirely, one thin Wendy wanted was the happy go lucky Steve back but that was an impossibility I had a duty and a responsibility to Wendy to make sure the flat was as clean as I could make it for her comfort along with making sure the Guinea pigs were fed and watered as well as cleaned out, the stress of which curtailed any capability I had of this along with the physical pain of being on my knees in order to vacuum the way she wanted it.

The Ultimatums did not help in the slightest, if you want to kill a relationship quickly Ultimatums are the way to go. But all I want to say is I just want to go home. If Wendy ants to get in contact with me she can at any time, my contact details haven't changed and I did not block her in any way for any reason.

Update

Well over the past few weeks I have been getting myself sorted mentally and have cleared one debt, I have started to pay off the £120 I owe the YMCA which I aim to have clear by the end of this year. I know for a fact that I am a lot more comfortable on my own as I have been able to get back to writing while my family have been away. maybe its with the incessant noise or the fact I have an obsessive attention seeker for a parent but either way I just cannot concentrate on anything here. So taking this into account I have decided to reapply to the YMCA while I continue applying for the local Council.

New symbols of hope.

Watching the news and suffering the hair brained shite from my family, I did my usual and retreated within myself for some quiet solace. The conclusion I came to when it comes to the riots is that no amount of finger pointing and dries of "blatant criminality" is actually going to fix the problem or do anything productive for that matter, those who rioted in London had a legitimate gripe or three be it the Metropolitan police forces habit of shoot first and ask questions later policy along with their violent tendencies, the cost of living in the city (a lot of the kids are often starving  as the rents they have to pay make the YMCA in Redditch look cheap so they are existing on dry toast and less, I know this from a first hand family, source not my dad Wendy before you snort derisively) to just sheer anger at the lack of justice in general. Whereas those who rioted outside the capital are just opportunists using the violence in London to loot the more expensive items they cannot afford but have had rammed down their throats by the consumer powerhouse of advertising. But honestly calling in the Army and bringing back national service will also do nothing and the draconian methods I have heard calls for will only be storing up trouble for later even though I feel in my bones that the riots of last week are nothing more than a shot across the bows for this nation and only the latest addition to a growing wave of violence sweeping through Europe.

I cannot say exactly what the cause of this violence is but it will only stop once the people have some form of hope for the future.

On a lighter note though the plants I bought from Aldi are doing incredibly well once I taught Indiana not to dig them up, the top pic is of the dog Indiana while he is sleeping the others are of the Lilly that survived. 

Wendy I honestly no longer care whether those you are alluding to include me or not, because I am just the Ex you "Settled for" instead of being honest and telling me you did not love my a year before and letting me leave when I offered.Since I never really mattered to you in the long run I have to accept you are as two faced as I ever will be so good luck with everything you received because of my advice which I find amusing you are acting upon two years after I told you.

Love
Steven

World War 3 ghosts of the past.

This week I have been looking after a friends pet poodle, so while making sure the dog was not dead I had a bit of a game on Call of Duty modern warfare 2. Which got me thinking about the current world situation,  maybe the great bogeyman of the third global conflict that the world feared for almost half a century; is underway right at this very moment and it is a lot more dangerous and complex than we can currently understand.

The reason for this stems from the cold war and its myriad of proxy wars starting with the Korean war and finally ending in the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. You see the USA and the USSR spent billions of dollars in an immense game of brinksmanship where the stakes were our very survival as a planet, a lot of these wars were often supported by the USA and USSR via their operatives from the CIA and the KGB respectively. once the Cold War ended in 1991 with the collapse of the old Soviet Union most people thought that the world would be a better place; this was a false hope. without the universal fear of Mutually Assured Destruction those the superpowers used as puppets decided to bite back; Al Qaeda for example.

We all know what happened there so I will not elaborate further there, each of these puppets have their own agenda ranging from religious fanaticism to pure greed. And our governments have no idea what to do about their mistakes which are currently biting us in the ass.

Okay I will admit I don't have a clue either but I don't have all the answers let alone the information, but I will ask about the much more violent world we live in. Maybe we are living through the third world war now, but its not a war of ideologies but a war for control. Control of resources, control of information and the minds of national populations.


I'm sorry to sound paranoid but Its something I have been suspicious about since 2003. anyway why else would the Governments of the UK and the US prosecute people for crimes that did not exist 20 years ago while turning a blind eye to the shenanigans of News International?

I wish you well in your lives.
Steven

True enemies.

I have been thinking recently, given the news over past week it is hardly surprising; The events in Norway and the death of the singer Amy Winehouse. I started contemplating about enemies and extremism, particularly the origins of extremists.

One argument for the origins of people like the individual in Norway is economic, yes in times of financial duress the ground is fertile for the growth of fundamentalists of all types but the argument is flawed; as it fails to take into account the individual. Most fundamentalists are often hollow individuals who have a high level of intelligence but lack any self esteem and confidence, so are perfect prey for the recruiters for the fundamentalist groups that actively seek those in universities. another part of the individual is the feeling of  alienation and resentment they have with the society they live in along with an unhealthy level of fear and paranoia (usually generated or increased by the group they are recruited by) of those who are different.

The paranoia element can, and is often, generated by the press alone the killer in Norway used a "False Flag" to make the press think it was a Muslim Fundamentalist group attacking the Norwegian people as a warning.
As sick as it was I noticed that the UK and the US are still Harping on about Al Qaeda when their greatest threats are within our own borders. I could give many examples given time but the ones that come to mind are:

The Baader Meinhoff Gang, in Germany,
The 7/7 bombers in the UK,
and finally the Uni-Bomber and Timothy McVeigh in the US

All of these were home grown threats to the populations of the respective countries.

With the late Amy Winehouse her greatest enemy was her own self and the pressure fame put upon her, I cannot detract from her talent and her conviction to only sing about what she knew, but those who professed to love her and support her (other than her Family) often were her enemy, along with her demons, and it would not be surprising if she was often set up by elements in her life so her name was in the tabloids here in the UK.

I often sit and think about life and think, and I know that in my life the people that have passed through are split into those who have helped me and those who have harmed me, one or two sit in both camps as I have loved them with all my heart and have been hurt in the process. In return I have hurt them often without even thinking or trying, I am sorry that I have but I cannot live in the past even if the memories are still painful and the wounds cut deeply. I have work to do and that will hurt enough even with the physio for my knee.

I wish you all the brightest blessings and luck in your paths.

Steven

Pack it in damn you!

Why is it that some days you just feel like emotional shite? This morning I woke up and every thin sucked, I am having to open a new bank account because Someone took £181.88 out of an account that was not theirs, Yes Wendy I can allude poorly too but at least I have the honour ro mention your name when I refer to you. If you want nothing to do wit me Shut The Fuck Up! 50 Stanley close is your home as was 66 Knowle especially in every fucking arguement we had You blocked the doors and refused to let me leave when ever you said fuck off, not me so keep the bloody flat and shut up!

Living with my dad feels like I have taken a huge leap backwards in my life and it is doing me no real good. I honestly loathe Redditch and all of its petty little arguements and petty little people, I wasn't totally enamored with the town when I moved here back in 1985 but I had no say at all and what so ever so Cest' la Vie.

I am planning to learn to ride soon and that might help me find my own place away from here, of course that will depend on how long it takes Nationwide's head office to send me my new account details, the whole debacle with Wendy has had its positive points but right now I would love it if she would just admit to her faults in our relationship and be finally done with me, If she honestly wanted nothing to do with me why is she still sniping?

Anyway I am trying to improve my dads garden as it needs it desperately, A task that is easier said than done while there is a puppy that will leave nothing alone including Lillies something I got from Aldi, a surprise I know but if you just look you find true gems even amongst the shite.

Hope you all are well and I wish you brightest blessings even those who broke my heart.
Waes Hael!
Steven

Understanding

“Given time I will be clear; given time you’ll understand what possesses me,

 to write what you have suffered”

I am writing this just so it stops bugging me, I have been mulling over the relationship I had with Wendy Bostock for the past month.  As I got further away from the events that generated the emotions I had the more I could look objectively at that situation, and I saw that a lot of our problems stemmed from Wendy’s childhood.  This blog is going to be the last I will mention her name but only in the role of a case study of the effects of childhood abuse upon adult relationships.

I will admit here and now that I am in no way a fully qualified psychologist or profiler, I just know how to do research and have a bloody good memory.  I cannot fully place blame upon either myself or Wendy for the failure of the relationship but I can state that it was Wendy that forced the relationship beyond its natural death by trying to sort out problems between us that did not exist except in her head, the reasons will follow shortly.

We all know that the person you are often comes from the crucible of your childhood and teenage years and Wendy has had one of the worst I have heard, she has undergone a triumvirate of psychological, physical and sexual abuse from an early age while also being neglected, humiliated and used by her Mother.

I am not going to detail any of the abuse or catalogue it here due to the fact that she is currently undergoing treatment for the resulting disorders, if you want details talk to her; suffice to say that she was abused physically until the age of 13 and sexually assaulted at least twice before the age of 16 to my knowledge.

The result of this was that at the age of seven she exhibited early signs of bi-polar disorder and tendencies towards self harm and unnecessary risk taking, Wendy is not alone in this as eight in every one hundred people in the UK have suffered sexual molestation while three percent of women and only one percent of men in the UK have suffered childhood sexual abuse. The result is often isolation, low self esteem and feelings of isolation and paranoia along with trust issues and they are ten times more likely to develop a psychotic disorder.

Now the lack of control Wendy suffered during her childhood and early teenage years has had a disastrous effect upon her mental well being, in both of her relationships before her current one she moved in with her boyfriend this meant to her victim mind that she had no control in her life so she fought as hard as she could often leading to violence within the relationship, I cannot speak for her first boyfriend but I know that she threw the first punch in our relationship in every physical fight she was the aggressor, I just fought back, I cannot predict how this will affect my next relationship but I hold no hopes since all I am is an emotional barometer. I display the environment I am in and with Wendy I became what she feared, wanted and I sorely hope, needed.

Wendy cannot trust any man she is with because she was abused by her Father and Brother and all men will unfortunately be forced into the amalgam of them and her first High school. I warn Tom Murray now to keep your distance for 12 months in order to allow her to drop the baggage she carries and to complete her treatment otherwise she will destroy you and Ollie but other than that good luck in your chosen path.

Please readers do not judge Wendy yes she is a victim but not of myself as she has written but of her family and herself all that she wrote is true to an extent but only because she made me into what she hated.

“I do not want you to hate for all the hurt you feel”

Good by Wendy